Like You, Like Me: Defining Attraction
by Beverly Fisher, Slut at Large and Woman of Easy Virtue

Sitting in my car at a traffic signal in San Francisco recently, waiting for the light to change, I was idly people-watching as the pedestrians crossed the street in front of me. A couple walked past my bumper, holding hands. He was wearing a three-piece suit and a trenchcoat, and was probably around 50 years old. His companion was much more interesting. She looked to be in her late-twenties, had bright purple hair done up in pigtails, and wore a wild print dress. At the time, I just laughed, putting it down to the wonderful strangeness that is San Francisco. If you haven’t been there, believe me, you wouldn’t understand.

But lately I’ve been thinking about that couple. I also think about my ex-husband, some 20-years older than I, balding and straightlaced, perhaps even a bit dull. Yet he was attracted to my wild tattooed self. I remember watching old episodes of The Odd Couple, featuring two unlikely friends, who argued over their differences in every mind-numbing episode. Why did I even watch that show?

What makes people attracted to one another? How do we choose our friends, our lovers? How do we define attraction? What is beautiful? It seems that everyone is attracted to something different. But then again, maybe not. Maybe we all have more in common than we thought, when it comes to defining what is beautiful or attractive. And we can often agree on what is unattractive, as well. Attraction, while at first seeming very subjective, is actually something that can be measured, understood.

Up close and personal

If you ask most people about what makes someone attractive, they frequently scratch their heads, puzzled. It’s a hard thing to define. We talk about physical characteristics, or qualities of personality. But there are often factors common to everyone, which we aren’t even aware of. Like huge, voluptuous, perky bank accounts, for example.

Sociologists suggest that there are three things that determine attraction, whether romantic or platonic. The first of these is proximity. Basically, proximity means that the more exposure we have to someone, the more likely we are to like them. As we get to know people, the friendship becomes closer. Of course, this isn’t true if two people don’t like one another – then proximity only increases dislike. There’s nothing worse than having to spend time with someone you can’t stand. It’s like nails on your mental blackboard.

In one study at MIT, researchers looked at couples living in an apartment complex. The couples were asked to name their three closest friends. Almost 70 percent of closest friends lived in the same building. Almost half were next-door neighbors, and 22 percent of friends lived two doors away. Only 10 percent of those who lived at opposite ends of the hall were close friends.

If you think about it, most of your friends live in the same city as you do. I did one of my Slut Surveys on the subject of attraction. One of the questions was “Where does your closest friend live, in relation to your home?” Among males, 40 percent of my slut survey participants said that their closest friend lived in their own home. Another 40 percent had friends that lived in the same town, while 20 percent had a friend who lived 100 miles or more away. Among females, the vast majority of women said their best friend lived in the same town. Only one had a friend more than 100 miles away. So it seems that my Slut Survey results closely followed the science. Not bad, for a highly unscientific, unfounded, and morally suspect survey.

The results reflect my life, too. My best friend lives in my basement, and my second-closest friends live within five miles of my house. For most people, proximity is an element of attraction we’re completely unaware of, yet it still holds true. Having our friends close is important. Besides, it makes it easier to borrow their stuff.

Of course, with the advent of the Internet, proximity becomes academic. We are able to develop close friendships with people in other states, or even other countries. I have several very special people in my life that I “met” on the Internet. While I live in Colorado, my lover lives near Boston. I have an ASP friend in Buffalo, NY, and another in San Jose, CA. I even have a couple ASP friends from England. We communicate via email, Instant Messaging, and occasionally by phone. It’s a lot of fun, getting to know people all over the world. I love the Internet. I’m such a geek.

Still, the majority of my closest friends live in my city. I suppose the conclusion is that if you want people to like you more, spend more time with them. See them on a regular basis. I guess this is even true for Internet relationships, only you’re spending more time messaging one another, rather than physically going to lunch or the like. Of course, the problem with Internet friends is that you can’t borrow their pickup truck when you move.

Looking good

The second factor that determines attraction is probably the most obvious one: physical attraction. Physical attraction applies not only to our sexual partners, but to our platonic relationships as well. We revere beauty and physical attractiveness, and have done so for thousands of years. Greek, Roman, and Hindu mythology all had goddesses of beauty.

The fact is, we judge people based on appearance. Whether we like it or not (I don’t). People make assumptions about us based on the way we look, and then treat us accordingly. For example, I have tattoos. One small one on my back that’s hardly ever visible, and two large ones on each shoulder. I put them up high for a reason. I wanted even the shortest of short-sleeve shirts to cover them. I was all-too aware of how some people feel about tattoos. I also have piercings, which I am able to remove (albeit with some difficulty).

Some years ago, I went for a job interview. I wore a suit, and wore my hair up. I removed my piercings. I was taught that you have to look your best for a job interview. I ended up getting the job. I worked for that small newspaper for about four years. It was a good job, though stressful. We didn’t really have contact with the public, so we were allowed to wear pretty much whatever we liked. Most people stuck to jeans.

One very hot summer day, the air conditioning went out. The newspaper was on the second floor of an old, poorly insulated building. It was absolutely sweltering. Everyone in the office was running around in shorts. I was wearing jeans, barefoot, a tank top (with all my tattoos hanging out), flowing long hair, and my piercings. The boss walked by me and stopped. “You know,” he said, “You look a lot different than you did when I hired you.” I laughed. “Yes,” I said, “But if I’d dressed like this, you probably wouldn’t have hired me.” He acknowledged that was true. “But you’re glad you did, right?” I asked. He agreed.

It is true that sometimes a person’s physical appearance can be off-putting, but that once we get to know them as people, we like them very much.

I have a girlfriend who really has trouble getting a job. She has bright pink hair and all kinds of facial piercings, including a couple of large septum rings, among others. She refuses to change her appearance in order to get a job. So, consequently, she has trouble finding employment. While I understand her need to be an individual, to express herself with her appearance, on the other hand I think: How are you going to eat? I mean, it would be really nice if we didn’t judge one another based on appearance, but the fact is that we do. We have to fit into the crowd sometimes. Robert Heinlein called it “fooling Mrs. Grundy.” The Mrs. Grundys of the world are judgmental and even cruel. We have to live in their world, like it or not.

Prejudice based on appearance extends even to things like income. Attractive people have been shown to earn more money than unattractive people. Hardly fair, but life isn’t fair. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

Beauty and the beast

One evolutionary theory regarding attraction states that more beautiful creatures tend to have more sexual partners, breeding more and more beautiful creatures. I personally think “mixed” people are the most beautiful of all – people who are part Asian, part black, part white, etc. My niece has a black mother and a white father, and she is arguably the most beautiful kid you’ve ever seen. She looks like she could model or something. She’s stunning. I think that white supremacists are nuts, not only because of their unfounded prejudice, but because inbreeding just isn’t healthy. Look at how we’ve inbred species of dogs and cats, and the disastrous results. We’re better off “mixed,” picking up the best traits of all the races. Attractive people have been shown to be healthier physically as well.

People make assumptions about a person’s personality based on the way they look. In some studies, they show people a series of faces and ask them to describe the person’s personality, solely based on their appearance. Attractive people are consistently believed to be more friendly, self-reliant, intelligent, honest, popular, sexual, assertive, sociable, well-adjusted, extroverted, and independent.

Beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder, but there are some universal traits that are always judged to be beautiful, in any culture. No, extraneous nasal hair isn’t one of them. Go trim that.

Symmetry seems to be a strong indicator of beauty or attractiveness, for both men and women. The more symmetrical your face is, the more likely you will be seen as beautiful and healthy. Symmetry is based on what is called the Golden Ratio (1:1.618), and can be found in the face and body. The Golden Ratio applies to a woman’s waist and hip measurements as well.

Health in general – from the skin to the body as a whole – is also considered attractive.

In one experiment, infants tended to prefer the same faces thought to be attractive by adults. Thus, some believe our perceptions of physical attractiveness are something we are born with, not just something we learn as we grow.

Physical attractiveness does not necessarily equate to sexual attraction. For example, we think babies and baby animals are “cute” and find them attractive, but not in a sexual way. Cuteness is characterized by a variety of traits, including small size, rounded, large head, big wide-set eyes, tameness or a need to be nurtured and cared for, playfulness, and helplessness. Some believe that cuteness is an evolutionary development which creates a need or desire for us to care for the smaller and weaker creatures, or babies. And you thought “cuteness” was a Hollywood invention.

We call it “neoteny” when adult animals or humans retain cuteness or child-like characteristics. My dog, Graffiti, is very cute. She has the big eyes and short nose of a puppy, and she’s just adorable. In adult humans, we call someone “cute” if they have big eyes or a small, turned-up nose, or round cheeks. Neoteny is considered “cute”around the world.

During socialization, children learn what is considered attractive. This can vary by culture, and time period. I would have been considered very beautiful around the turn of the century. A voluptuous woman with a pronounced chin was gorgeous. Take a look at a picture of the Gibson Girl. It’s me! Yet these days, a smaller chin is infinitely more fashionable. Fashions change about what we find beautiful.

While overall, beauty is consistent in any culture, there are always fashions. The Padaung people in Thailand, for example, think women are beautiful with long stretched necks. The Padaung women wear rings on their necks, which push down the collarbone and compress the ribcage, creating the appearance of a long neck.

The media portrays villains or bad people as unattractive, and the “good guys” are always handsome or beautiful. We assume that beautiful people are good, and ugly people aren’t. But beautiful people are also believed to be more sexual, and possibly carry STDs or have extramarital affairs.

Humans across many cultures also tend to find familiar faces more attractive. This goes back to the whole proximity concept. One of my Slut Survey participants fell in love with his lab partner in college. He spent four years sitting next to this girl almost every day. Her face was indeed very familiar.

Details, details

Our personal odor, or smell, influences whether or not we’re perceived as attractive. In almost all cultures, strong body odor due to sweat or infrequent bathing is considered unattractive. But the way we smell, when we’re clean and fresh, is a sexual attractant. For the most part, scientists agree that humans, like animals, release pheromones. These are extremely subtle chemicals, fragrances that send sexual signals. We smell them on a subconscious, rather than conscious, level. You can even buy perfumes and colognes that supposedly have lab-created human pheromones, designed to attract the opposite sex. However, if your dog starts humping your leg, then you’ve bought the wrong brand.

Many cultures use perfume, cologne, and scented soaps. The smell of a freshly bathed human being is considered clean and attractive. Personally, I love the smell of a freshly clean man or woman. There’s just something about it that’s so nice. I had a boss once who said, “You know what it is about girls? They’re soft, and they smell good.” Indeed.

Skin color is another feature of attraction. There are many cultural differences. Sometimes lighter skin is preferred, some prefer darker or tanned skin. These days, having a tan is considered very attractive, but in the 19th century pale women were preferred. The reason is based in class, in our socioeconomic roles. In the 19th century, a pale woman indicated someone of means, who didn’t have to work outdoors. Today, tanned skin indicates someone who has the money to take a vacation, or the leisure time to tan. It’s a status symbol.

Personally, I cling to that 19th century, pale, fish-belly white look. My thighs are blinding.

In eastern and Southeast Asia, there is preference for lighter skin, which is associated with youth and vitality. Skin whitening products are very popular in East Asia.

Everyone likes it

Some features have been shown to be attractive across many cultures, for both men and women.

Several factors determine whether a man is considered to be sexually attractive. Studies have shown that height is one such determinant. Males at least a few inches taller than the female partner are more likely to be considered handsome. Larger chests and erect posture are also factors. Women tend to prefer men who seem more confident or powerful.

In my Slut Survey, 90 percent of the women responding said that a person’s most attractive feature is the eyes. “I love deep, soulful brown eyes,” one woman wrote. One woman preferred well-defined arms in a man. A few liked a nice bottom as well. Another wrote that she enjoyed traditionally strong masculine features, such as broad shoulders and a hairy chest.

In the West, a muscular physique is considered attractive, though too many muscles can be seen as unattractive. A muscular male is considered healthier, and good health is a determinant of attraction in both sexes. Personally, I like a muscular man, but not too muscular. That overdeveloped weight-lifter look just seems gross to me. Makes me think of Arnold Schwarzenegger, and that’s enough to make anyone nauseous. Maria, what were you thinking?

With regard to male facial structure, a slightly elongated face with strong cheekbones and a heavy jawline is considered physically attractive in most cultures. So really, if gorillas were to shave, they’d get all the girls.

Of course, considerably more studies have been done on the subject of female attractiveness. Big surprise. The universal factors that determine female physical attractiveness tend to be a general appearance of health, “cuteness,” and whether the body is built for reproduction. The waist-to-hip ratio is extremely important, as is the body mass proportion, and finally physical symmetry, both in the body and face.

Studies show that women with a waist circumference that is 70 percent of the hip circumference are almost always rated as more attractive to men from a variety of cultures. The waist-to-hip ratio is directly related to fertility – women with wide hips are better able to bear children. Of course, that’s not what we think of when we see a curvy woman. We just think how attractive she is, we often can’t even say why. But the desire to breed is built into our genes. We find good breeding stock attractive, both male and female. Our DNA rules our heads.

Body mass is one way people judge whether a woman is attractive or not, but preferred body mass depends on culture and historical time period. Today, in the West, a slim woman is considered attractive, whereas many historical cultures preferred a curvy, rounded woman. I was born in the wrong era. I would have been absolutely stunning in the Victorian age, for example. I’m curvy and have that Gibson Girl jawline. Today, however, I’m considered more average in appearance. No, really.

In ancient Egypt, being fat was considered highly attractive, as it was a status symbol. If you were rich, you could afford a lot of food and avoid doing physical labor.

Universally attractive qualities for women include a symmetry of facial features, large, widely-spaced eyes (neoteny), thick lips, long, thick hair, clear, healthy skin, high cheekbones, an oval face with a small chin (that lets me out), high forehead, long fingernails (considered healthy), dimples, constrasting features (such as dark eyes with pale skin, or vice versa), white, symmetrical teeth, wide hips in comparison with the waist, and long legs.

In my Slut Survey, the majority of male respondents reported that the physical features they found most attractive in women were the eyes, smile, and face in general. A smaller but significant percentage preferred the breasts. Others mentioned the legs, bottom, and even a woman’s hands. One man added, “The elbows come last.”

When asked, “What’s the first thing you find attractive about someone?” the male respondents almost all mentioned physical attributes. Female respondents were more likely to mention aspects of personality. Big surprise.

Socially speaking

Attractive people are almost universally viewed as “good.” Other assumptions vary from culture to culture. In the West, attractive people are thought to be assertive and strong. In some Asian cultures, they are believed to be more understanding and sensitive. In one German study, people with attractive faces were thought to be more successful, content, creative, intelligent, exciting, sociable, and diligent than people with less attractive faces.

Many of these studies of facial attractiveness use computer-altered, or morphed, images. They take an attractive face and make it more attractive, by giving it more symmetry, removing skin blemishes, etc.

Another German study found that people preferred the morphed faces to the original faces. In other words, people overall liked faces that showed unattainably perfect features. We are exposed to these impossibly perfect faces every day, in the media. We seem to have an unrealistic ideal of beauty. Have you noticed there’s no such thing as ugly rock stars anymore? You have to be beautiful to be a star, in this video age. Think how many imperfect people created such wonderful music – Mick Jagger, Steven Tyler, Patsy Cline, Janis Joplin, Meatloaf, the Pointer Sisters, and more – who would never be allowed to have a record contract today.

We equate beauty with success. Attractive people command higher salaries than unattractive people. We judge people based on how attractive they are, and make assumptions about what kind of person they are. One study determined that attractive people are more popular. A University of Texas research project found that children judge attractiveness, with more attractive children enjoying more popularity than their peers. I know when I was in elementary school, the prettiest girls in class were the popular girls. I was a pretty ugly duckling, and not very popular in elementary school.

Massachusetts General Hospital conducted a study and found that looking at attractive female faces activates the reward circuits in the male brain – the same part of the brain identified as responding to such rewards as food, drugs, and money.

Other studies show that symmetrical men and women tend to have more sexual partners and more open attitudes with regard to sexuality.

We like looking at beautiful people. We revere our movie stars, admire them for their attractiveness, and follow their lives with zeal. Well, some people do. I don’t. But we appreciate beauty. We seem to crave it.

The “millihelen” is humorously defined as the scientific unit of human beauty. In the legend, Helen of Troy was so beautiful, her face launched a thousand ships. So a millihelen is the degree of beauty that can launch one ship. I love this. I wonder how many millihelens I would be rated? My guess is I’m a microhelen. I could launch a lifeboat. Maybe an inner tube.

This will floor you

The last of the three determinants of attraction, aside from proximity and physical attraction, is similarity. We tend to assume that people who are similar to us will like us. People tend to form groups, trying to find common ground. Others who have similar beliefs and characteristics validate us, increasing our self-esteem. We tend to strongly dislike people who disagree with us on important issues – politics, religion, child-rearing, and other “core” beliefs.

Studies have shown that people tend to form friendships with others of their race, social class, political leanings, and employment. People with similar communication skills also group together. I do tend to have friends who talk a lot... but how can that be? I’m so shy and quiet.

Our friends and lovers tend to have a lot in common with us. Someone once explained it to me this way: Each of us is like a giant office building with hundreds of floors. Each floor of our personal “building” represents one of our interests, likes, or beliefs. For instance, I have interests in writing, sex, playing cribbage, going up to the mountains, raising children, computers, politics, and much more.

The people we invite into our lives, whether friends or lovers, will have many “floors” in common with us. But no one person will have all the same floors we do. So we seek out people who will fulfill all of our floors. One of my friends loves sex, and playing cribbage, among other things. My best friend doesn’t like card games, so he doesn’t match my “cribbage” floor. But he does match my “science fiction geek” and “writing” floors, among others.

The point is, it’s important to have many people in our lives, to fulfill all of our floors. A husband or wife can’t possibly be all things to their mate. Outside friendships are required to help people feel complete.

I’ve always had an interesting mix of friends, from different ethnic and socioeconomic backgrounds. I like to find commonalities with others, and can usually find something in common with almost everyone I meet. But those who become my close friends are very similar to me in lots of ways. My best friend is male, which is unusual. Most people’s best friends are the same sex they are. But then, my best friend is more in touch with his “feminine side” than most men. And I have many traditionally masculine qualities. We can communicate on almost every level.

My oldest friend I met while we were in the sixth grade. We are still friends today. And proximity holds true for this friendship as well. She lives within five miles of my house, and lived within a mile when we met.

Generally speaking, opposites don’t attract, despite the old cliche.

But she’s got a great personality

Of my Slut Survey participants, both male and female, all agreed that a “great personality” was a huge factor in attraction. “Sometimes you click, sometimes you don’t,” wrote one woman, “regardless of how beautiful or ugly a person may be on the outside. Personality can make someone beautiful or disgusting.”

But what is personality? How do we determine whether someone is similar to us or not?

Our personality is a collection of emotion, thought, and behavior that makes up who we are. According to the American Psychiatric Association, our personality is made up of traits and characteristics that partly determine how we behave.

There are different theories about personality. Trait-based theories explain behavior based on fixed characteristics. For example, Lewis Goldberg created a five-dimension personality model, also called the “Big Five.” The five traits are extroversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, emotional stability, and intellect. He postulated that a person’s personality will contain varying degrees of these five traits. There are lots of other trait-based theories. Traits included in various theories include introversion vs. extroversion, intuition, judging, and others. Some delineate primary and secondary traits.

Behaviorists explain personality based on reactions to external stimuli. So that would include, for example, puppets. How does a person react to a really good puppet show? To a bad one, with weak acting and shabby puppets?

Then there are personality type models. Some people think there are different personality types, and that we fit into a fixed model of personality. For example, the Enneagram is a personality type model. So is astrology. Personally, I’m a Scorpio. I fit many of the characteristics of Scorpios, but I think astrology is so generalized that anyone could fit those characteristics, if they chose to see that aspect of themselves. I hold little stock in personality type models. But that’s typical for a Scorpio.

Regardless of how the psychologists choose to categorize us, people tend to look for similar personality traits in others. And there are certain traits that are definitely considered more attractive, by most people.

In my Slut Survey, certain personality traits kept coming up again and again. Whether they’re connecting with a friend or a lover, the female respondents in my survey overall preferred people who are intelligent, confident (or having high self esteem), have a good sense of humor or wit, and are openminded, honest, and kind. Other preferred traits include good listening skills, curiosity, passion, ambition, decency, and compassion.

Female survey respondents were also asked which personality traits they dislike the most. Arrogance or a big ego was most commonly mentioned, as well as “too much drama” and dishonesty. Prejudice, negativity or bitterness, pushiness and possessiveness were all mentioned as well.

Male respondents had much in common also. Men overall preferred people who possess the following traits: intelligence, confidence, a good sense of humor, openness, honesty, and kindness. If those traits sound familiar, it’s because they are: the female respondents basically preferred the exact same traits. Male respondents also mentioned curiosity, caring about one’s physical appearance, being adventurous, friendly, and possessing a sense of warmth.

In response to which personality traits they disliked the most, male respondents overwhelmingly agreed with the females again. Arrogance, ego, or a “bad attitude” were commonly cited, as was dishonesty. Men also disliked rudeness, poor body odor, lack of intelligence, coldness, poor sense of humor, immaturity, lack of empathy, prejudice, judgmental behavior, and helplessness.

Both men and women who responded to my Slut Survey said that one of the biggest “personality” traits which determined attraction was similarity. “We have to have something in common, or what’s the point?” wrote one man.

The dark side

Sometimes our attractions to others operate more on a subconscious level. I always end up dating tall men with big noses. I don’t specifically set out to find tall men with large schnozzes, but that’s often what I end up with nonetheless.

Attraction can have a dark side. For example, I have a friend who’s mother was emotionally unavailable when he was a child. As an adult, he constantly pursues women who are unavailable to him – whether they’re married, or simply emotionally distant. Women who are abused as children frequently end up with abusive men as adults. It’s not that these people deliberately look for negative traits; they’re consciously looking for the same positive traits we all are. But on some subconscious level, they choose partners that are unhealthy or even dangerous, perhaps as an effort to replicate their imprinted experience as children.

We attract people who are most like us. If we are warped and damaged, mentally and emotionally, then we will attract damaged people. I looked back over my string of bad relationships, and I had to ask myself: what’s the common denominator? It was painful to realize that the one thing all of those relationships had in common was me. The men were all different, screwed up in their own ways. But I kept attracting, and being attracted to, men with serious emotional problems. I didn’t set out to find screwed up men. That wasn’t on my list of turn-ons. But that’s what I ended up with, every time.

The best way to attract an emotionally healthy partner is to be emotionally healthy ourselves. Sometimes (as in my case) getting healthy requires getting some therapy. Sometimes the process of healing ourselves can take years. Trauma, especially childhood trauma, can have a huge impact on our adult lives, without our ever even realizing it. It plays out in our subconscious, and surfaces as little hints and signals. For example, I know a woman who finds men who wear baseball caps very unattractive. It’s like an instant turn-off for her. It took years for her to piece together that her childhood sexual abuser wore baseball caps. She had never made the connection consciously.

The attraction reaction

We react to one another in ways that we’re programmed to. Some of that programming comes from our DNA – for example, when we’re looking at a woman’s shapely hips – and some programming comes from the way we were raised. It’s both nature and nurture. But it’s all in our heads.

Indeed, as one male Slut Survey participant wrote, “The brain is the ultimate sex organ in my book – physical appearance is undoubtedly the initial impetus for any new attraction, and the kindling for sustaining an existing one, but it’s ultimately just the floral icing embellishment on the cake, which everybody loves to swipe off with their fingers and suck on.”

“There is attractiveness at many levels,” wrote another man. “We are sexual, physical, social, and spiritual beings with corresponding needs. We have an instinct to seek out others who will fulfill these needs and desires. Attractiveness is a filter that draws one to what they need or are looking for – either consciously or unconsciously. It is discrimination in the functional sense. We only have so much time and energy. This discrimination allows us to focus our resources on what has a higher probability of success. That is the basic biology and psychology.”

Attraction is ruled by many things – our subconscious mind, our conscious mind, proximity, our DNA, our personality. “I believe that much of what we find attractive stems from primitive instincts and biological wiring (e.g. desiring symmetrical features, etc.),” says one of my female Slut Survey respondents. “Beyond that, I believe that we use our significant role models (usually parents) as models or guides for future lovers. Women tend to gravitate toward mates that possess traits similar to her father (in terms of mannerism and personality). Ditto for males.” She adds, “I’d say the media also plays a role in how we perceive one another. What is deemed attractive by pop culture becomes the fad for a decade or two. Either way, I don’t believe we have much control over what we deem to be attractive. It simply appeals to us.”

Truly, whether we know consciously what we want or not, we end up with close friends and romantic partners that are best suited to our personal level of development, emotionally and mentally. Looking back on my last boyfriend, I’d say “best” isn’t a good word to describe it. “Nightmare” comes to mind, along with “disaster” and “lunacy.” I suppose on some level lunacy was what I wanted, at least subconsciously. Umpteen thousands of dollars for therapy, and I’m still a mess. Well, at least I’m aware of it. That’s comforting. No, really.

The people we are closest to are there for a reason. They fulfill our “floors,” helping us to feel complete, and validated. When we are lacking in important areas of our lives, we seek out people to fill the emotional, mental, and even physical void.

We may think we are attracted to a smile, a pair of breasts, a set of big brown eyes, but attraction is so much more than that. Physical characteristics only go so far. “A woman can look really good,” writes one of my male survey respondents, “but eventually, you have to talk to her, you know?”

And that’s when things get interesting. We seek out people who are similar to us, who are close to us. We appreciate certain qualities or traits in others, like confidence, openness, friendliness. We have more in common than we thought, when it comes to defining what is attractive. What at first seems so subjective, so individual and unique, may actually be very universal, multicultural.

One thing is certain: we are all driven to find others, to connect with others. The bonding process begins at birth. We need connection with other human beings in order to feel good about ourselves. Through others we learn, grow, develop. We evolve.

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