Boys vs. Girls:
Sexual Roles in the 21st Century
by Beverly Fisher, Slut at Large and Woman of Easy Virtue

I love men. I really do. I love women, too, for that matter. Being bisexual means I get to love everybody. It’s marvelous. But (and this is stating the obvious) men are different than women. Men and women each have their own needs, desires, problems. One of our biggest problems is how to deal with one another, how to have relationships with one another – without involving homicide detectives.

Speaking in gross generalities now, and from personal experience, women are fun to date. They remember birthdays and anniversaries, and love to cuddle. But they have trouble giving you space when you come home after a rough day at the office, and they can be a source of tremendous emotional drama. They can also cut you off sexually, leaving you feeling frustrated and alone.

Men are fun to date too. They spoil you and do some of that traditional male stuff, like opening doors for you, and they want to take care of you. You’re cherished. But they have trouble understanding why you need to talk, and share how you feel. They can also cut you off sexually, leaving you feeling frustrated and alone (Ha, thought that one was just for the girls, didn’t you?).

I consider myself a feminist, though not a traditional feminist. I certainly don’t have any serious schooling in feminism or women’s studies, though I had a few classes in college. I don’t pretend to be an expert on women’s rights, or men’s rights for that matter (a subject we don’t hear enough about). What I am is a student of the Universe, fascinated by people and the human condition. I observe and think and form opinions. I love people in general – though on an individual basis many of them are a pain in the ass.

I’ve spent a lot of my life with men, and have an understanding of them that I think few women possess. So I have an appreciation for men, and think that sometimes feminists really give them the shaft. Some feminists, for example, basically think of all men as rapists. These are hardcore feminists, mind you. I think they’re nuts. We have to look at women and how they relate to men. I think, as with any argument, that there are two sides to the battle of the sexes. In 12-step programs, we’re taught that when there’s a problem, we have to look at “our side of the street.” Where are we at fault? What could we do differently, or better? I think women aren’t blameless, and neither are men. We all have a part in why things are the way they are. To say that women are victims of the patriarchy is to say that we are victims, helpless. We’re not.

Of course, just for writing all of this I’m going to be accused of being a tool of the patriarchy, or deluded by it. This rant is a fucking mine-field. So be it. I know that’s crap, and that’s all that matters. I am an independent, free-thinking, self-supporting woman. I’m proud to be a woman, and to be who I am. I’m a cocky bytch, make no mistake.

Mixed messages

History is full of cocky bytches. They’ve changed the world. I personally think one of the biggest turning points for women’s rights in the 20th century was World War II. It was also the birth of so many mixed messages. Up until the war, a woman’s place was firmly in the home. The husband worked, the woman stayed home with the children. End of discussion. Everyone knew what their job was, everyone knew what their role was. This was my grandmother’s generation. She took care of her husband, and he, in turn, provided for the family. I don’t know if everyone was happy with the arrangement, but they certainly seemed to be, for the most part.

Then World War II hit. Thousands of men went off to fight in the war. There were so many men in service fighting, in fact, that women had to go to work back home. Rosie the Riveter was born. Women were working in factories, building airplanes, supporting the war effort in the only way they could. Day care centers were invented, to take care of the children while mommy operated the riveting gun.

The country would never be the same. I read a wonderful book some years ago while I was working on my degree, filled with letters from women to their men at war during the 40s. They were lovely letters, filled with longing, yet still brave and supportive. But many of them wrote that they were really enjoying working, and didn’t want to go back to the way things were.

After the war, there was a concerted effort to force women back into the kitchen. But having had a taste of freedom, women weren’t so willing to go back to the way things had been before the war. Pandora’s box had been opened. The day care centers stayed open. And lots of women went to work.

But we have this problem. Those pesky mixed messages. My mother was raised by a woman who stayed at home and took care of her husband. But she was raised in a world where women were beginning to be much more independent, to go to work, to have lives beyond just husband and children. So she felt compelled to do both, to work and to have children. And she raised me... with some of the same mixed messages. I wanted to go to college and have a career, but I also wanted to be a stay-at-home mommy. I’m reminded of a song by Queen, the lyrics go something like this: “I want it all, I want it all, and I want it now.”

On the one hand women are supposed to be independent, financially and emotionally. On the other hand, we are taught to crave a strong man, to care for us. We want both independence and emotional security. The mixed message we send men is difficult for them to deal with. First, we tell men we want to be independent. Next we tell men to take care of us. We want both. If we’re rich, or our husband is, we want the ability to quit our jobs and stay home with children if we so choose. But then we want to go back to work if we want to also. We want it all.

The male role hasn’t changed so much in the 20th century. Men are still supposed to be strong and capable, go to work and earn a living, and support a family. If the wife works, her money is a “bonus” for the household. The male income is still the primary income. So if men seem a little confused about how to deal with women, is it really any surprise?

I am reminded of my daughter when she was two. She so badly wanted to be independent, to do her own little thing. At the playground she’d run off on her own, climbing boldly, but if she fell, she wanted comfort and love. If I disappeared from her field of vision, she panicked. She wanted that independence fiercely, but needed constant reassurance and love. That’s a good thing with children, and normal. But women often demand the same thing of men.

We are supposed to be strong and independent, but we haven’t learned how to do that the way men do it. Men stand on their own, and deal with the consequences if they fall. I’m not saying this is a good thing, either. Men don’t have anyone to really talk to. A lot of them have trouble sharing their feelings, or even identifying their feelings. If they are in touch with their feelings and capable of expressing them, they’re looked down on by other men.

Men lead lonely lives. Being the breadwinner is a heavy, heavy burden. I know, because I’m the breadwinner for my household. I have the traditional male role. And it weighs painfully on me. Everyone’s counting on me. If I fall down, if I get hurt or sick, what will happen to my little family? I have to be strong and capable all the time. It’s exhausting and emotionally draining. The difference between me and a man is, obviously, I’m a woman. I have friends I can talk to, share my burden. I can cry. I can whine and complain and kvetch about my problems, and I have people who will listen without judging me, simply offering solace and support. Most men don’t have that luxury. They just have to suck it up and keep going.

Yes, the roles are changing. Men are able to open up and talk and emote in ways that simply were unacceptable to their fathers and their grandfathers. They can go to therapists and discuss their problems, without feeling ashamed. But it’s still hard for them to talk to women, especially wives and girlfriends, who are sending the mixed messages of “take care of me” and “let me do it myself.”

Mommies

Women are trying to figure out their place in this world too. For so long we were defined as mothers and nothing more. That still holds true in some ways. I saw a license plate frame once, driving down a highway in California. It read: Tom’s wife, Tony and Linda’s mom. Nowhere was the woman’s name. She had no place, other than Tom’s wife and Tony and Linda’s mom. Those words defined her existence. She was faceless, nameless. It was depressing. I know, I know, I’m deconstructing license plate frames, but it says something about the way we view women in our culture.

The choice as to whether or not to become a mother is a huge decision for women. I have friends who swore they’d never have kids, and then one day the old biological clock kicked in and they got pregnant. It’s an animal need, to reproduce. We are driven to it. I myself have heard the ticking of that clock, so loud it keeps me up at night. I shudder to think what I’ll do when the alarm goes off.

Everywhere we look in the media, we see images of families, of mothers and children, strong fathers and independent mothers. But increasingly, economics play a larger and larger role in whether we decide to have kids. Though someone once said to me, “if we all waited to have kids until we could afford them, no one would ever be born.”

I find it fascinating how our rules about women and motherhood have changed. In the 30s, during the Great Depression, Roosevelt started the welfare system. They felt a need for welfare because everyone was so poor, women were actually leaving the house and going to work. They were leaving their children and getting jobs. Welfare was created because this was an outrage; women were supposed to stay at home and raise their children, not work.

Nowadays, if a rich female lawyer decides to leave her job and stay home and raise her children, we applaud her. Children should have a mother at home, we say. Good for her. But if a welfare mother wants to stay home and raise her children, we call her lazy and tell her to get a job.

Mixed messages. It’s all about mixed messages. On the one hand we think it’s important (and studies have shown that it is) for women to stay home and be with their children. On the other hand, only rich women and/or women with husbands are allowed this luxury. It has become just that – a luxury, not a necessity. Lucky rich kids.

Then there are the women who choose not to have children, who choose career and an independent life over motherhood. Even today, with our “wimmins lib,” these women are often condemned for their choice. I had a friend who was childless by choice. She told me that people would ask her, “How old are your kids?” just assuming that she had children, due to her age. When she replied that she didn’t have children, these people would look at her funny, she said, like there was something wrong with her.

I think motherhood is something that you’re either cut out for, or you aren’t. If it was more acceptable to remain childless, I think the world would be a happier place. How many women have children because it’s expected of them, instead of because they want to? Think how unfair that is to those children, let alone the mother.

So we send mixed messages to women about what’s important: career, or children. Often it’s a choice between one or the other. Those that try to do both are exhausted and frazzled most of the time. I know, because I’ve tried it. I parked my kid at daycare in the morning, while I went off to work at the office. I picked her up from daycare at night. We spent three short hours together (which included dinner and cleaning up and homework and all the millions of responsibilities), before going to bed and starting the whole thing all over again. I missed her very much. I lived for the weekends, and then there were yet more responsibilities demanding my attention – cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, and on and on and on. “Quality time” was a precious and rare thing.

And daddies

It’s not easy doing the whole fatherhood thing, either. Fathers get so little time with their kids, because they’re out working. There are very few “Mister Mom”-type relationships. Most men experience the life I describe above – living for those few short hours after work, and the weekends. Feeling guilty because you’re too tired and grumpy from work to play with your kids.

Fatherhood is becoming a lost art. It used to be, if a young girl got pregnant, the young man who was “responsible” did just that – he took responsibility for that child. Either he married the mother, or at the very least provided for the child. And he was proud to be a father.

Now, young men get girls pregnant and it’s the girl’s problem, not theirs. She’s told to get an abortion, and if she’s lucky the young man will pay for it. If she’s lucky. Or she puts the child up for adoption, or struggles on her own. Getting child support out of these men is becoming increasingly difficult. They just don’t see it as a “responsibility” anymore.

Hell, my ex-husband doesn’t pay child support. He’s 20 years older than me, so coming from his generation, I find it particularly shameful. He was raised to know better.

The thing is, it’s a symptom of a lack of responsibility in our culture in general. We buy a cup of hot coffee, and like a complete dork put it between our legs while driving. It spills, burns us, and instead of realizing that we’re a stupid dweeb for doing it in the first place, we sue the restaurant. And win. Everything is always somebody else’s fault. Never ours.

Still, I’ve spoken with many valiant men who, through no choice of their own, became fathers. Either through lack of birth control (not smart, admittedly), or sheer dishonesty on the part of women, these men ended up daddies. Their wives wanted a baby, so they went along with it, that kind of thing. And they took the responsibility, became fathers, and ended up loving their children more than they ever thought possible. They provide for their children and honor the mothers, even in the case of divorce. These men deserve applause. In this day and age, when people are avoiding responsibility at all costs, these men are holding up their end. As a woman, I appreciate that. A lot.

We have to take responsibility in our relationships, too. Too often, when a relationship ends, all we hear about is what “he” did, or what “she” did. There’s not much acknowledgment of what “I” did. My ex-husband had his hands full with me, I’ll be the first to admit. I can spend all day bitching about all of the stuff he did, but in the end, I have to look at my part in things. What was on my side of the street?

And children

Boys and girls are socialized differently. Socialization refers to the process whereby a child learns and accepts roles in society. Basically, the way socialization works is that families, schools, churches, and the media – in short, everyone we come in contact with – encourage certain behaviors while discouraging others. We are taught what the behavioral norms of our society are. Boys, for example, are taught that only girls wear skirts. Children typically follow the examples of their parents and teachers. As individuals, we decide how well we are going to conform to these social norms. Me, I’ve never been good at conforming to anything.

When my daughter was a baby, I used to dress her head-to-toe in pink, with ribbon roses and lacy headbands. I dressed her very feminine and “girly” up until she was three years old, when she began demanding to wear boys’ clothes. Girls can get away with being a “tomboy” far easier than boys can get away with being a “sissy.” Which is a shame, because I’ve known some very nice sissys.

Watch some children’s television sometime. Not the shows, but the commercials. Look at the amazing difference in television commercials aimed at boys, versus those aimed at girls. The little girl commercials are all pink and bright colors and sweet music. The boys’ commercials are full of crashing trucks, dark colors, and even violence. We bombard kids with messages about how to be boys, how to be girls. We brainwash them.

Gender roles are a huge source of controversy, and at the heart of the “Nature vs. Nurture” debate. For example, the argument goes that women are naturally (“Nature”) just better at caring for children than men. Some say that women are taught from early childhood to be good little mothers (“Nurture”), and that it’s all about their socialization. Many people feel that a combination of nature and nurture plays a role in gender. Personally, I think it’s a little of both. But that makes me a bad feminist. Bad, naughty feminist. Go to my room.

Sluts and studs

Then there is the idea that gender is unrelated to sex. I have a couple of very good friends who were born male, but are female today. One friend told me, “I never fit in. I never felt like I was a boy. I always knew I was female.” How does transsexuality fit in with the whole nature vs. nurture argument? They are born male, raised and socialized male. Yet they know themselves to be female, and have always felt that way. They are willing to undergo sometimes painful treatments and surgeries to become what they already know themselves to be: female. The same can be said of female-to-male transsexuals as well. We have made a lot of progress in our culture towards understanding and respecting transsexuals and intersexed (what used to be called hermaphrodite) people. But we have a long way to go. I believe that transsexual women have more right to call themselves a woman than I do. They’ve worked for it. They’ve earned it. Hell, I wouldn’t put up with all that hair removal. I hate shaving the stuff I have to shave already.

Old ways of thinking are still a huge part of our lives, no matter how far we’ve advanced socially. Promiscuous men are still viewed as “studs” and promiscuous women as “sluts.” Men don’t want a woman who’s slept with lots of men. We make fun of men who remain virgins, especially older men. We look askance at androgynous people, and question their sexuality. Obviously, I think being a slut is fun, but you have to really try it to know what I mean. Maybe I should really rebel and start calling myself a stud. “The Stud Rants”... nah, doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Women still choose to be housewives, far more often than men choose to be “househusbands.” This takes us back to the nature vs. nurture debate. Some believe that women choose more often to be housewives because biologically we are better able to handle raising a family and managing a home. Feminists insist that women do so because of socially constructed gender roles. Perhaps both may be right, to a certain extent.

Gender roles vary widely in culture and history. For example, in the past in Western culture, men were primarily the doctors. Even today, more doctors are male than female. But in Russia’s past, women were the healthcare givers. Today, in Russia, the majority of doctors are female.

Other cultures, such as Muslim countries, are very rigid in their control of women. Male and female roles are very clearly defined, and deviation is punished severely. I shudder to think what life must be like as a woman in Iran. There are some things I’m truly grateful for, and being born in the U.S., and not Saudi Arabia, is one of them. Being a female is hard enough without having to wear all that stuff.

Our culture is still very rigid in a lot of ways. While women don’t have to wear a veil, we still make tremendous judgments and have terrible expectations of how women are supposed to behave, what’s “feminine” and what’s not.

Men experience even more rigid expectations. While a woman can wear a men’s suit to work, a man could never wear a dress. Nor would he even want to, for the most part, because he’s been socialized against it. But men are still taught to be Men with a capital “M,” raised to believe that they’re “less than” if they’re not working, not supporting a family. A man without a job is perceived as lazy, no good. It’s terrible the messages we send boys about how to be male.

Still, at least boys teach each other to masturbate. Men have a healthier sexuality than women do, in my opinion. They often need to learn more about intimacy, but they’ve got the sex part down. Women are good at intimacy and not so good at the whole sex thing, often having a bunch of shame and other issues wrapped up in it. I’ve got a pretty masculine attitude, when it comes to my own personal sexuality, and that makes me a pariah to a few women. But I’m having some great orgasms.

As a culture, we need to take responsibility for the messages we send our children, the expectations we place on them. It is only through our children that we can begin to effect change.

Hers and his

Sexually speaking, we have to take responsibility for our own needs and desires. We can’t expect our partner to read our minds and just start doing that weird little thing that we like (you know, with the hat and the ostrich feather). The hard part is getting our needs met, while still honoring the needs of our partner.

We all know that men and women approach sex differently. There have been hundreds of books written on the subject, and the number is growing all the time, as men and women struggle to understand one another. From what I can tell, the upshot of all of these books is this: Men and women are different. We just are. We’re raised different, we approach things differently, we have different goals and expectations. We’re just not like one another, in a lot of ways.

The big secret to having a great sex life is communication. This is true whether you’re in heterosexual or homosexual relationship. Being open and talking about your needs and desires, your likes and dislikes, is vital. But then again, that’s true of relationships in general, not just sex.

I think the best way to deal with the opposite sex is to not try to understand. Accept that we’re different from each other, and deal with it. People are like computers. You can go to school and study, spend hundreds of hours reading books about them, and still not understand exactly how they work, in every way. Instead, we learn how to deal with computers, and if things get really bad, we call in an expert. That’s how men and women are. Learn to deal with one another’s idiosyncrasies, and if things get really bad, go see a therapist. It may not be easy, it may be complicated, but it’s how it is.

However, there are some basic things that are true for both men and women, generally speaking. We all want to love and be loved, to feel understood, valued, and important – even on a small scale. We all want to live as well as we can, we all need food and shelter. Emotional and physical satisfaction are important, too. If we can just recognize the commonalities we share, perhaps we can start to overlook the differences. Well, except when it comes to the whole toilet seat debate. That’s a serious matter.

Fingertip towels and power tools

I live with a man, though we don’t have a sexual relationship. What we do have is a very deep friendship, a relationship so close that people often assume we’re married. We talk about everything. If there’s a problem, I’ve learned to wait until he cools down, and then approach him with logic and reason, rational discussion. He does the same for me. I recognize his quirks and he accepts mine. We are different, because we’re male and female.

He does chores haphazardly, with no particular plan in mind. His “honey-do” list is a mile long. Drives me crazy. But it’s how he does things. Me, I have a list, which I methodically follow. We approach problems differently. Like a lot of men, he’s fixed on solutions, resolutions. When he comes to me with a problem that’s on his mind, he’s looking for concrete suggestions as to how to solve it. The last thing he needs is me giving him emotional psychobabble. He wants answers, dammit!

Like most women, when I have a problem, and I come to him with it, I’m not necessarily looking for a solution. Often I’m just venting, just processing how I feel. I listen to his suggestions, but make my own decisions. Women have to talk about a problem a lot before they can finally come to a decision on how to act. Men think about it a lot, then make a decision. If they ask for help, they’re really looking for help. It’s really hard for some men to ask for help, so for God’s sake, when they ask, give it to them.

I can accept that he’s different than I am. Not just because he’s a man, but because he’s a human being. He was raised differently than I was, has different ideas about how to do things, has his own unique approach to life.

What if we all judged one another not based on gender, but on our merits as a person? Simply accept that we are all different, and instead look for ways to work with what we have?

My computer sometimes takes a long time to shut down. I click on the “start” button and the “turn off” button appears and then winks out of existence, so that I have to click on the “start” button again. I don’t know why my computer does this. Certainly, it shouldn’t be doing that. But that isn’t the point. It’s got its own idiosyncrasies, and I have to work with them. It’s a minor pain in the butt, not a major problem, so I work with it rather than call in a professional to fix it.

People are like that. They have their own idiosyncrasies, their own ways of functioning. If we are observant, we can figure out how to work with them, rather than complain about them, or futilely try to change them.

I believe that men and women are almost two different species. While we have many commonalities, the differences in how we approach everything, from asking for directions to shopping for shoes, are vast. As a woman, I appreciate men. I enjoy their differentness. And I expect them to appreciate me, too.

My ex-husband used to give me a hard time about all the throw pillows I’d buy for the bed. “What are they for?” he’d grouse. “You won’t let me lie on them.” I would smile and say, “But they’re pretty.” I know they’re useless. I just like how it looks. It could be worse. My grandmother always had pretty fingertip towels in the bathroom, covered with lace and silk roses and stuff. You weren’t allowed to dry your hands on them – they were there strictly for looks. At least I’m not that bad.

So, I like throw pillows. Men like power tools. But we have to look beyond that surface man/woman stuff, to the individual human being underneath. We might be surprised at what we find. Hell, I’m contemplating buying a cordless drill.

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