Safety Dance:
Having Fun With Your Eyes Open
by Beverly Fisher, Slut at Large and Woman of Easy Virtue
"We
can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind, 'cause your
friends don't dance and if they don't dance, well they're no friends of
mine.” – from “Safety Dance” by Men
Without Hats
It’s almost March and my Christmas tree is still up. I know I’ve got to
take the damned thing down, but I’ve been procrastinating. I’ve gotten
to the point where I don’t even see it anymore, despite the fact I walk
past the thing twenty times a day. It just isn’t there. And as long as
it’s not there, I’m not doing anything about it.
 For a lot of people, safe sex is the big seven-foot Christmas tree
sitting in their emotional living room, on the fourth of July. They
don’t see it, don’t think about it. Who wants to think about the
possibility of death and disease?
Some people ignore it completely, refusing to practice safe sex at all,
assuming they’re safe. Or pretending they are. They walk around that
Christmas tree and assume it’s someone else’s problem, not theirs.
Others acknowledge it’s there, to a point. We dutifully use condoms,
complaining about them all the while, but still avoid the bigger issue
that necessitates the use of the condom in the first place. That’s what
I’ve been doing. We don’t contemplate why we do it. That’s because it’s
scary as hell. For many of us, avoiding those scary thoughts sometimes
means we’re avoiding doing everything we can to be safe.
Safe sex can be fun. Really. But it’s important to acknowledge why we
have to do these things, to educate ourselves and be aware of what’s out
there. Not just HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, but herpes, gonorrhea,
Human Papilloma Virus (HPV) (the virus that causes genital warts),
Chlamydia, syphilis, and hepatitis. And more. The fact is, sex is a
dangerous proposition. And the only truly safe sex is no sex. But none
of us wants to avoid sex altogether... so we have to take measures to
ensure our good health. Because the best way to conquer fear is to face
it. To stand there, look at that Christmas tree, and do something about
it. Not just walk around it and pretend it isn’t there.
Knowing you’re taking every reasonable precaution can alleviate fear.
And then we can start having fun.
Give her a kiss, boy
Incorporating safe sex practices into your personal sexual routine can
be awkward at first. But if approached with a sense of playfulness and
fun, safe sex can be delightful, even romantic.
Foreplay can be incredibly safe. Kissing does not transmit HIV, as
saliva is not a good carrier for the virus. Saliva contains a protein
called SLPI that shows anti-HIV activity. So we can kiss all we want,
which is wonderful. There’s nothing like a truly good kiss.
Many acts of foreplay – massaging, stroking, sucking the nipples, mutual
masturbation – all of these things are super safe. And a wonderful way
to build up to sex. Basically, if it doesn’t involve a fluid exchange,
it’s safe. The fluids that are safe include saliva, tears, and urine (if
you’re into that sort of thing).
Try sucking on parts of your partner you wouldn’t normally suck on.
Fingers, toes, elbows. Lick that spot behind the knee. Or on the inside
of the elbow, or wrist. Kiss the back of the neck, the palm of the hand,
the eyelids, the ankles. Explore. Anticipation is an intense feeling. I
know that when someone builds me up to a sexual frenzy, I get to the
point where I don’t mind all of the “equipment” involved with safe sex.
The “equipment”
There are a variety of tools for practicing safe sex. Condoms are the
most popular and widely known, but other latex goodies exist too,
including female condoms, dental dams, latex gloves, finger cots, and
even plastic wrap. It can be fun to buy these things with a partner,
experimenting with different products. It should go without saying that
all of these things are one-time-only items. Don’t reuse any of your
latex equipment.
Many people complain about the taste of latex. There are flavored
condoms and dental dams, as well as water-based lubricants with a wide
variety of flavors (strawberry is my favorite). Most often, I use
Astroglide (also sold under the name Silken Secret), which has been
shown in one laboratory test in Texas to kill HIV. It has a slightly
sweet taste. Two other lubricants in the same study were found to kill
HIV, Vagisil and ViAmor. Further tests and field trials are required,
but the potential value of these lubricants is obvious.
But what do you use all of these things for, and why? And, more to the
point, can it be sexy and fun?
 Putting on your raincoat
The condom is widely used and known to prevent HIV and other diseases.
But some people complain that they dull the sensation. Well, they do.
But not to the point that some people would have you believe. In a lot
of cases, it’s just a psychological block, not anything to do with
physical reality. I do get sick and tired of hearing people complaining
about condoms. It’s a fact of life – and death. Get used to it. People
who don’t use condoms, because of the lack of sensation, are just plain
stupid and crazy. Look at it this way: when you’re dying of AIDS five
years from now, you can look back and think, “I got this for one really
good orgasm.” Dumb.
But griping aside, there are things we can do to make the condom
experience more pleasurable. A small amount of lubricant on the head of
the penis (not too much, or it can come off) can really help create
pleasurable sensations for the man. Also, I use Crown Condoms. These are
manufactured by Okamoto, trusted makers of the Beyond Seven Condom.
Crowns are the world’s thinnest condom, but very strong and safe. They
can be purchased online in a variety of places. The Beyond Seven is also
good, and is the second thinnest condom. Beyond Sevens are quite good
for those seeking a tighter, snugger fit. For those who need a larger
size condom, Trustex makes a very thin large condom, allowing much more
sensation than some of the other larger brands.
Several times, after putting on the Crown condom with my mouth, I’ve had
gentlemen who were unaware that a condom had even been applied. Weren’t
they surprised?
Try different condoms and see what works best. As I mentioned, there are
flavored condoms, ribbed condoms, studded, colorful, fun condoms. There
are also condoms with extra “head room,” which might be helpful for
uncircumcised men, like the Vivid Large condom.
Always use a water-based lubricant with condoms. Oil-based lubricants
(such as Vaseline) can break down the latex in condoms and create
microscopic holes. Since most viruses and diseases are microscopic, this
is a bad thing.
It is recommended that condoms be used not just for sex, but for
fellatio as well. The fact is, there are documented cases of HIV
transmission occurring via unprotected fellatio, even in cases where the
insertive partner (the guy getting the blow job) didn’t ejaculate. The
receptive partner, the one giving the blow job, is the person who will
be infected, and it can happen from ingesting pre-cum. I’d like to say
this isn’t the case, I really would. But this is straight from the
Centers for Disease Control. There are no documented cases of the man
receiving the blow job contracting HIV. This is considered
“theoretically” possible, but not probable. In other words, the guys
receiving are fairly safe.
It should be pointed out that the risks from giving a blow job are still
substantially smaller than the risks from having unprotected sex, either
vaginally or anally. But there is still a risk. Sorry, just pointing out
that Christmas tree. It’s still sitting there.
With regard to giving blow jobs, never use a pre-lubricated condom.
Nasty taste! Especially if it’s treated with spermicidal lubricant –
your mouth will go numb. Buy your own lubes, flavored ones, to kill the
latex taste. Or use flavored condoms. I like to put the condom on with
my mouth, sucking as I roll it down. I do suck a little harder with a
condom on, to help counteract that dulling sensation.
It’s also fun to give blow jobs with food. Again, make sure they’re not
oil based. But whipped cream and chocolate sauce can make any condom
taste delicious!
During sex, female condoms are a good alternative to the traditional
condom. Most men report enjoying the sensation, saying that it’s almost
like going completely bare. The problem with a female condom is that it
can slip. Some women report difficulty inserting them properly. Be sure
to read the directions completely. But it is a good alternative for men
who really have a problem wearing traditional condoms.
Lick it Up
The risk of HIV transmission via cunnilingus is slim, to say the least.
There have been a “few” documented cases, according to the CDC, that
“most likely” resulted from oral-vaginal sex. Most likely. So they’re
not even sure. Just the same, it carries a “theoretical” risk, in that
the person doing the licking may have sores or open wounds in the mouth
(including microscopic wounds from, say, brushing the teeth or
flossing), and might be infected this way. Still, based on my research,
I’d say this is a pretty safe activity. But that’s my opinion. And I’m
not a doctor. Or a CDC official. I’m just a slut. You can still pick up
all manner of other bugs and nastiness, herpes etc. So better to be safe
than sorry, right?
If you want to be totally safe, use a dental dam stretched over the
woman’s labia, and lick that. Dental dams are a latex square used by
dentists to isolate a tooth during a procedure. Some clever person
thought of using them for safe sex. Flavored dental dams are fun. I’ve
licked a friend or two through a dental dam and enjoyed the experience.
If you get tired of holding the dental dam in place, cling wrap can be
used, wrapping it around the labia and anus. I kind of like the cling
wrap, because it’s clear and you can see where you’re licking, unlike a
dental dam. I also think there’s more sensation using cling wrap. I’ve
been licked this way myself and enjoyed it very much. Plus, it leaves
the hands free to do other things. Cling wrap cannot be substituted for
a condom, however.
Again, a drop or two of water-based lube on the clitoris before applying
the dam or cling wrap really helps with sensation. And it’s actually
kind of fun to wrap your partner’s naked body in cling wrap. It’s a
kick.
Dental dams and cling wrap are also useful for analingus, or licking the
anus. A lot of people really like this sensation. I am very paranoid
about cleanliness, and insist on using a dam or cling wrap for analingus.
There’s a lot of bacteria back there, no matter how well you wash it.
But it sure is fun licking it – or being licked.
 No glove, no love
Latex gloves are a handy (pun intended) part of any sexual arsenal.
Originally developed for those in the medical profession, to protect
against contact with bodily fluids and bacteria, they are helpful for
lovers for all of the same reasons.
Gloves are useful for hand jobs, or for inserting a finger or fingers in
the rectum or vagina. In addition to protecting against bacteria and
fluids, they also feel really great! Add a touch of lube and see how
silky and smooth the sensations can get. I actually prefer to have
someone use a glove when fingering me, because it slides in and out so
smoothly.
I also prefer to use a glove for cleanliness reasons when fingering
someone’s anus. Again, that smooth gliding sensation makes it nice for
the person receiving, and knowing it’s clean and safe makes it much more
fun for everyone.
Additionally, gloves are nice for people like myself, with longer
fingernails, or for people who have a less-than-perfect manicure. The
latex smooths all the rough edges, making finger play a delight.
Finger cots are like gloves, only they cover just one finger. This
allows for more sensation in your hand as you finger, stroke, and slide
your way through foreplay. They’re also very nice if you have a cut on
your finger you want to protect.
Wrapping it up
The sad truth is, in the 21st century, sex is scary. There’s a lot to be
concerned about. One in four people has herpes. One in two has HPV. The
numbers for syphilis are rising. It’s disturbing. But I’m not giving up
on sex entirely, I can’t. It would be like giving up breathing.
What I can do is be aware of the risks, pay attention to the latest
news, and be as safe as possible. And try to have fun with safety. When
I put on a latex glove, I snap it on and smile wickedly. “Are you ready
for your examination?” When I use condoms, I apply them with my mouth,
or tease them on with my fingers. I use lube to ensure that everything
feels as slick and nice as possible. And I never make exceptions. Safe
sex, with everyone, all the time. Period.
I think the best thing a couple can do is to spend time talking about
safe sex with one another – not just avoid it, use condoms, but pretend
it’s not there. Exploring the safe options out there is incredibly
important, and it can enhance the sexual experience. Even if a couple is
monogamous, using condoms, dental dams, and other latex toys can be fun
and educational. Play around with flavored lubes and condoms, rubbing
them all over the body, tasting and exploring. I guess the idea is to
simply look at these things as adult toys for the new century. We have
to do it – so let’s make it fun.
And take down that damned Christmas tree.
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