Geriatric Gymnastics: Sex and Aging
by Beverly Fisher, Slut at Large and Woman of Easy Virtue

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the first of the baby boomers will start turning 65 in 2011. Due to the huge number of boomers, the senior population will increase drastically between 2010 and 2030. The older population is expected to be twice as large as in 2000, growing from 35 million to 71.5 million, or 20 percent of the population of the United States. That’s a lot of sexy old people.

I’m getting old. So are you. It’s something we all have to face. Right now, I’m pushing 40, and already I’m getting nasty little hints of what’s to come, from a physical standpoint. I ache. My back hurts. My legs hurt. I creak and pop like a bowl of Rice Krispies. I don’t remember things the way I used to, so I leave myself little notes – which I lose. Other critical signs of aging: I sound like my mother when I talk. I meet a girlfriend at a bar and the music’s too loud and the drinks are too expensive. I listen to my kid’s music and get a headache. When did this happen? When did I start getting old? The sad thing is, we all start getting old the minute we’re born. It just takes a while to really set in.

But mentally, emotionally, spiritually, I feel more together than I’ve ever felt in my life. I love my existence. I have fun. I think. I explore and learn new things. I am vibrant, electric, alive. And in talking to other people older than myself, those feelings just get better and better.

My kid asked me if I had the chance to go back and be a teenager again, would I do it? NO, no, a thousand times no – not unless I can take my current brain with me. To know what I know now, but in a teen body... now that could be fun. Though going through puberty again is enough to give me serious pause. Raging hormones are no fun, though it kind of feels like fun at the time, in a psychotic episode kind of way.

And yet I know I’m not done with hormone fun – menopause is approaching. So I’ve got that to look forward to. And the best part is, it’s a surprise. It’s not like Christmas, where you can mark it on your calendar. Menopause is sneaky. It shows up, like an unwanted houseguest, and won’t leave until it’s good and ready. By then, or course, everyone in the house is crazy. And the air conditioning bill is obscene.

The old gray mare...

While I’m still young, relatively speaking, I’ve spent a lot of time both in and out of bed with people older than myself. My ex-husband is 20 years older than me. I’ve always gravitated towards older people in my choice of partners. Currently, the men I find most attractive are in their mid-to-late 50s, though as I alluded to above, I would do Paul Newman’s sexy geezer butt in a hot second.

Having older lovers means that, for many years, I’ve been dealing with aging bodies. So I’ve had a sneak peek as to what to expect as my own body ages. Consequently, I wasn’t terribly surprised or concerned when I began to experience vaginal dryness. That’s a normal part of aging for women. I just shrug, use lube, and go on with my life. But not all physical problems that accompany aging can be shrugged off so easily, or solved so readily. Many problems, for men in particular, can be difficult to overcome, and require some creativity to deal with. But then, all men require creativity to deal with.

Psychological problems are another matter. From empty nest syndrome to ageism, there are a plethora of things that can affect our mental state and make sex difficult, if not impossible. The idea that someone can appreciate my imperfect, sagging, stretch-marked old body is just amazing to me. I have a ways to go in the self-esteem department, and I’m not the only one.

But there’s good news, too. Aging and sex can go hand in wrinkled hand. Where there is a will, there is a way – and it would appear that lots of people 40 and older have plenty of will. I did one of my unusually unscientific, flawed and questionable Slut Surveys, and discovered that a lot of people are still very sexually active, age notwithstanding. Despite what we see in the media, it would seem that many people over 40 are very sexy indeed. Good news for me and my sagging self!

Looking at the figures

We’re living longer these days. Life expectancy is now 81 for women, 76 for men, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. The idea that we aren’t sexual beings once we hit a certain age is crazy. Yet it wasn’t until the early 70s that we even began doing studies of senior sexuality. It’s like society as a whole just assumes that the elderly can’t be sexy or sexual. And I’m not even sure about that term “elderly” anyhow. Since when is 40 or 50 elderly? Or 60? Okay, maybe you could call 70 “elderly,” but I’m not sure how a 70-year-old would feel about that. The dictionary defines “elderly” as “somewhat old; between middle and old age.” Middle and old age are not defined. “Somewhat old.” Hmm. I have a feeling that as the baby boomers move into the “elderly” category, they’re going to demand some new politically correct terminology. Just a guess.

Safe sex is still important, whether you’re 20 or 70. Age doesn’t protect you from Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) or HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. In the United States, the number of older people with HIV/AIDS is growing. One out of every 10 people diagnosed with AIDS in the U.S. is over age 50. Always use a latex condom during sex.

The most recent study I could find on “senior” sexuality was conducted by the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP). They did an exhaustive study, surveying a nationwide group of 1,682 adults ages 45 and older.

About one-third of all respondents (and 49 percent of those with regular sexual partners) reported they have sex once a week or more often. Respondents ages 45-59 were generally more sexual than those over 60. Unsurprisingly, my Slut Survey participants were a bit more sexually active.

One 67-year-old woman, Samantha, wrote me about her current lover: “For the first six months we saw each other several times a week and spent most of those days and nights in bed making love and napping. We took time out only for food and sleep and a bit of social contact with the world. Now in our tenth month, we see each other each weekend Friday night through Monday morning and usually have sex at least twice in the morning and twice at night. We spent most of the day in bed last weekend, so we aren’t completely sated yet.”

That’s a 67 year old woman. Damn! Something to shoot for! The thing about this particular case is, it flies in the face of what we see in the media. Everywhere on television, in the movies, in magazines, sex belongs to the young. We don’t picture 67 year old women as being sexy and desirable. We certainly don’t picture them having sex several times a day. And this ageism that we see in the media creates this pervasive prejudice against older adults. They’re not only not sexy, there’s something wrong with them if they desire sex.

Dave, 56, writes about feeling less desirable due to age: “Sexual icons in our society are advertised as young/active/hard bodies. I think we all tend to get caught in that mind set and forget that a natural person/body has flaws. As one ages the flaws become more evident. It makes us feel non or `not as’ sexy as we once were perceived. However, as a man of 56, I look at many of the `great female hard bodies’ as not having the mystique and charm and attraction of a woman’s body `showing the natural changes of time.’ To me that gives a uniqueness and oneness that is real.”

Writes one woman, Tess, “I’ve only felt `not sexy’ when in the company of seriously younger men who compare me to 20-year-olds.”

In nursing homes, older residents who show any kind of sexual behavior are often thought to have a behavioral problem, and frequently tranquilized. Masturbation or sexual activity between unmarried residents is met with disapproval and repression. Due to staff attitudes, and lack of privacy, nursing home residents state they have little opportunity for sex or sexual behaviors. I’ll tell you what, if I’m in a nursing home and I want to masturbate, I’m going to do it. Anyone tries to stop me, I’ll take my cane to ‘em.

Phillip, 53, writes “Traditionally, the media has portrayed the elderly as asexual. This is only beginning to change. I think there is something frightening to the public psyche about accepting the elderly as sexual, but I can’t put my finger on it. I guess by trying to confine sex to a youth thing, it reinforces the view that sex is for procreation only, and has no other real legitimate purpose. Perhaps the widespread perception of sexuality as a manifest desire would lead to the crumbling of the fabric of society and make people question the church/state dominance over all subjects of moral interest.” Wow, seniors could cause the breakdown of society? How cool is that?

Fact is, seniors are sexy. And a few of them are pretty naughty, too. In the AARP study, men and women in the 45-69 age group confessed to having sex in a public place, having phone sex, or exchanging erotic notes or emails. Few of the 70+ group admitted to these activities. But just because they didn’t admit it doesn’t mean they aren’t doing it. Naughty, naughty.

Getting over the hump

Aside from ageism, as we age we must do battle with more life issues. Couples in a relationship for many years can experience boredom in the bedroom, a lack of spontaneity, and a cooling of desire. Trying new techniques, emphasizing foreplay, getting couples counseling, and even Tantric sex can help rekindle the passions. There are a zillion great books out there for couples in this situation, certainly because it’s that common. Boredom happens to couples at all ages, not just older couples. I know when I was married I experienced what Shakespeare called those “tired marriage sheets.” Among the men in my Slut Survey, this was one of the reasons cited for seeing escorts. Even though I am an escort, I think that’s a sad thing.

Many couples also experience “empty nest syndrome,” discovering that once the kids have moved out, so has their last real connection with one another. Retired couples often complain of spending too much time together. It’s important to develop interests and hobbies that you share with your partner, and also activities that you do alone.

Declining health can affect self-esteem, and poor self-esteem can lead to a lack of confidence sexually. Becoming a caregiver for your spouse can also put you in a different role, making it hard to think of that person sexually.

But as I said, there are some big pluses to aging and sex. Once the kids move out, we’re able to relax and take our time with sex, not rush it late at night behind closed doors. We can have sex in the afternoon, something we couldn’t do during our working and childrearing years – not without playing hooky from the office.

Older men are better lovers, more experienced sexually, and better able to control their orgasms. Older women are more comfortable with their own sexuality, and usually are better able to express their needs and desires. Intimacy is better, closer. Ideally, older people have had time to get over sexual hangups, and just start having fun with sex.

I know that as I’ve aged, I’ve not only become a better lover (so I’m told), but I’ve also become more aware of myself and my body: what I like, what turns me on, how I like to be touched. And I like to be touched a lot. But then, that’s no news to anyone.

Body language

One secret to great sex as we age is simply to accept that our bodies are going to go through some changes, and rather than give up when the challenges arise, instead look for solutions. I once knew a man who was a paraplegic, confined to a wheelchair. In order to get an erection, he had to use a vacuum pump, give himself a shot, and take Viagra. But by God, it worked! He refused to give up. He was determined that the changes in his body would not prevent him from having sex. So why do so many of us give up? Because it’s hard. And it’s frustrating. Not to mention a little disconcerting, as your body forces you to face things that maybe you’d rather not face.

This last is especially true of women. Women are raised in our culture to be uncomfortable even talking about sex. So, when faced with some sort of sexual difficulty, a lot of women simply give up, rather than face it. Unable to even talk to their spouses about sex and their needs, they have an even harder time talking about sex with a doctor or counselor. I think this is unbelievably tragic.

Dave writes about his wife: “My partner has a problem that makes sexual penetration painful and not possible. She also is from an upbringing that makes anything other than `usual sex’ not okay. So, I do not have a sexual partner at home.”

It is possible that Dave’s wife has what’s called dyspareunia, which is painful intercourse caused by poor vaginal lubrication, and is common in older women. Solutions include using a water-based lubricant, such as Astroglide. There are also hormonal pills, such as Vagifem, which are inserted directly into the vagina and restore natural lubrication. Additionally, there is a vacuum pump device on the market called EROS CTD which draws blood into the clitoris. It is only available by prescription. The awful part of all of this is that while there are probably solutions for Dave’s wife, because of her sexual hangups, she will never seek them. I am grateful every day that I am not uptight sexually, not full of repression and fear about my body. Even though my body is aging, I fully intend to have a lot of fun with it.

One of my Slut Survey participants, Sara, writes “I’ve rarely experienced vaginal dryness, but during certain parts of my cycle, or first thing in the morning, it can be a little problem. I’m confident enough to ask for a tongue or wet finger, or pick up some KY at the grocery and reach for it when circumstances dictate. I’ve never been the easily embarrassed type.”

The vagina goes through a variety of physical changes as a woman ages. First there is a loss of vaginal elasticity, which causes the vagina to shorten and narrow. The walls become thinner and stiffer, less cushioning. There is a decrease in the size of the labia minor, clitoris, uterus, and ovaries.

Samantha notes that when she and her partner met, she “hadn’t had sex in about three years, so I was very dry. My natural lubrication returned in a short time, however.” In other words, use it or lose it. She adds, “When I was younger, there seemed to be too much lubrication for good friction, so a bit less is now a good thing.”

Indeed, some studies have shown that regular sex, twice weekly or more, can prevent loss of vaginal lubrication and lessen the thinning of vaginal walls in post-menopausal women.

There is no evidence that going through menopause means losing sex drive, though women who never liked sex anyhow may use it as an excuse. Some women report an increase in sex drive after menopause. Some speculate that this is psychological, rather than physiological, due in part to factors including a lack of concern about unwanted pregnancy, no more periods, among other factors. “I’m more sexual now [after menopause] than I was before,” writes Terri, 64. “I’m not sure why. Maybe I’m just more relaxed and enjoy it more – no kids, no babies.” Terri notes that she and her 65-year-old husband have sex once or twice a week.

There is a great deal of controversy over Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) for menopausal women. I’m not going to get into the details, there are a great many books and articles out there on the subject. Suffice to say that some feel that HRT is dangerous for the health of the woman, and others disagree. Some even think giving women testosterone helps with increasing sex drive, and there are some strong studies to back this up. But safety is still a concern. There are herbal alternatives to hormones which can be very beneficial, including products such as Estroven. Personally, when my time comes to do the whole menopause experience, I want to go au natural. Just deal with it. Hell, I look forward to hot flashes. I’m cold all the time anyhow, and it will surely add some excitement to my day. Of course, everyone in my house lives in fear of the day I start menopause. They don’t know how to have fun.

The hard truth

I know this may come as a shock to some, but as men age, impotence can become an issue. Really. Seriously though, by age 65, about 15 to 25 percent of men have some problem with impotence at least one out of every four times they have sex. Impotence can also be caused by heart disease, high blood pressure, prostate disorders, and diabetes, and also by the medicines used to treat these illnesses. Erectile Dysfunction (ED) is also more likely in men who don’t exercise, who smoke, drink too much alcohol, and are generally overweight. ED can be a warning sign of cardiovascular problems or diabetes, and it’s worth checking with a doctor. Taking ED medications, such as Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis can actually be very dangerous if you have a heart condition.

Of course, it was a revolution when Viagra was invented. The pills are very expensive, because the dastardly drug companies know people will pay just about anything for a solution to ED. Many respondents to my Slut Survey have either used the pills themselves, or their partner has.

Dave says, “ED has become a problem. Using `the little blue pill’ helps. I also have chronic pain issues and take pain meds that effect erection. An understanding partner is important in removing the extra pressure of `having to perform.’ It also has become just as important to me that I satisfy my partner, even if that is without penetration, so that overrides the ED situation somewhat. If the partner is open to my using one of the many sexual aids or tools when ED is an issue, I am able to give her pleasure and totally enjoy the interaction myself. Having the partner to partner comfort level for that open sexual enjoyment seems to be the most difficult issue.”

Other men in my Slut Survey cited ED difficulties due to high blood pressure, diabetes, weight gain, depression, and as a response to taking medications for cholesterol, depression, prostate problems, and other illnesses. Mark writes, “I have high blood pressure brought on by job stress and heredity. I was put on Xanax and Zoloft for depression and anxiety, along with Clonidine, and that combination served to virtually eliminate any interest in sex. Once I decided to quit taking Xanax and Zoloft (nasty stuff), desire and ability returned.”

It always amazes me that they prescribe medication for depression that in turn causes ED. How is having a non-functioning penis going to help a man stop being depressed? Sheesh. I myself took Paxil for a while and was unable to achieve orgasm, even when masturbating. Now if you can’t do it yourself, it can’t be done. I was livid. I told my doctor if it was a choice between sanity and orgasms, I’d take the orgasms any day.

Often times ED is a psychological problem, rather than a physical problem. If you’re still having erections at night, during sleep, but not during the day, it’s probably psychologically based and worth seeing a doctor or sex therapist. How can you tell if you’re having erections during sleep (typically five to seven throughout the course of the night)? Try taking a strip of stamps, still connected to one another, and wrap them around your flaccid penis before sleep. If the stamps are broken in the morning, you’ve had an erection during the night. Neat-o, huh? I wish I could claim I invented that, but I didn’t. I heard it from Dr. Ruth. I don’t think she invented it either, though.

There are tons of treatments for ED, including testosterone therapy, herbal solutions such as Yohimbine, self-injecting drugs, such as Caverject, Muse (which inserts a pellet into the urethra), penile implants, and vacuum pumps. Impotence can be treated. One thing that’s important to note is that all of these things, from pills to pumps, treat the body, not the mind. Desire is not something that can be manufactured, it comes from within.

Samantha reports that “my partner (who is 60 and overweight) couldn’t maintain an erection for an extended length of time. Within a day he purchased a male enhancement herb. For a day or two before he is going to be with me he takes Yohimbine and continues to take it for the time we are together. He now gets the desired result.” She adds, “he recently acknowledged how uncritical I have been about his performance and how that has made it easy for him to be safe and relaxed with me. I find all of love making so delightful that an erect penis that once in a while lasts a short time is minor compared to the other delights he gives me and the hours of touching, kissing, and talking that we do.”

The sad thing is, as with women, too many men are embarrassed by ED and don’t do anything. If you’re uncomfortable talking about it with your doctor, one idea is to see another doctor. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger about such things than someone we know.

As men age, it is natural to lose the ability to have a psychogenic erection – that is, an erection with no direct physical stimulation, caused just by thinking about sex, by looking at a naked woman or porn, etc. Many men who lose this ability think that because they look at a woman and don’t get an erection, they’re losing their sex drive. In fact, all they need is physical stimulation. The drive and desire is just fine.

Aging simply brings with it a new way of doing things. Many men find it takes longer to get an erection, and it may not be as hard as it once was. Orgasms may not be quite as strong, and there may be less ejaculate as well. Loss of erection after orgasm may be faster, and it may take longer to get another erection (that’s the refractory period, for those interested in the technical term. You weren’t were you?). Additionally, some men find they need more foreplay to become fully aroused. The plus side for many men is that premature ejaculation is no longer a problem.

Getting erections regularly is good for the health, and using physical stimulation men can and should have several erections a day – which can stave off the need for drugs like Viagra. As in the case of vaginal dryness, this is a use it or lose it situation. The more you use it, the more likely you will be able to continue using it. I know it sounds grueling, having to have several erections a day, masturbate frequently, and have sex at least twice a week. It’s Dr. Beverly’s prescription. Guaranteed to perk you right up. Pun intended.

Health matters

As we grow older, our health begins to suffer. Health problems also have a negative impact on our sexuality. It should go without saying that we can avoid a lot of health problems by eating right, exercising, avoiding tobacco and alcohol, etc. But even the healthiest people have problems that occur due to heredity or simply age.

One of my Slut Survey participants, Karen, 46, writes: “My older partner and I both have arthritis. I also have Peripheral Neuropathy. I am not diabetic; the doctor says my PN is from mechanical damage to the nerves. However, this limits our mobility and my ability to be comfortable enough to enjoy sex drastically.”

Even something as common as weight gain can be a problem, for a variety of reasons. Tim, 40, says, “the only health-related thing that has negatively affected my sex life, as with all parts of my life, would be my increase in body weight. I am aware that this affects every part of one’s physical being, be it actual sexual performance, energy level, even penis size (or so I’ve read). Both my wife and I have put on weight since we got married, and I think that in addition to any real physical effects, it negatively impacts our own self-images and our individual feelings of sexuality and desirability.”

As we age, our bones become a bit more fragile. Terri recently had a fall and broke her ankle, which in turn caused another fall and she broke her back. “That slowed us down a little!” She laughs.

Richard, 48, has had a stroke. He writes, “My neurologist did comment that sometimes neurological problems can affect sexual performance, and I do have significant neurological problems.” He doesn’t feel his performance overall has been effected, though he has to favor one side of his body, and he notes that, even with Cialis, he has a much more difficult time reaching orgasm than he did when he was younger.

Sara points out that “Erectile dysfunction has been an issue with some of my more recent partners. One who was diabetic couldn’t sustain an erection at all, even with Viagra. His urologist prescribed a pump and cock ring, but that wasn’t comfortable and seemed awfully `synthetic.’ he was great with his hands and mouth, though, and I got good with mine. And then there are toys... in a nutshell, we redefined `sex.’ My sexual relationship with him was very active (several times a week; sometimes more than once a day) and very satisfying.” I love this woman. I have a crush on Sara. She’s a Slut of the First Water.

Rick, 68, reports that occasional bouts of depression do not affect his sex drive (though that is common), but the medications to fight it “change the sexual response a little, slows the ejaculation response a little (not always a bad thing) but it can make it difficult for more than one round.”

Another Slut Survey participant, Art, 49 writes “[my wife] has had thyroid problems for the last 3-4 years. This has affected her energy and drive. She slept a lot. Now she is going through menopause, which means I get about three minutes of cuddling in between hot flashes. She is starting to feel better and is getting more amorous. Yay!”

I personally have been with lovers who have terrible arthritis; medication, warm baths, and timing our sex for the optimum conditions seemed to work very well. I refuse to give up on sex, simply because I or my partner has a health issue. Anything can be worked around, almost. The benefits of sex far outweigh the hassles we have to go through to make it happen. My oldest lover was 86 years old. We always did it in the afternoon, when he felt his best. He was a sweet, thoughtful lover, and while he couldn’t last very long, he was able to satisfy me in lots of other ways.

I currently have a lover who’s 75. He’s a riot. He’s funny and romantic. He occasionally needs to use Viagra, but most of the time is able to function just fine without it. He has lost the ability to have a psychogenic erection, so physical stimulation is required to get him going. But boy, does he get going!

Thinking it through

More than one man in my Slut Survey reported a need for sex in order to still feel masculine. Arthur, 64, writes that “sex is very important to me because it validates my masculinity. Although I take 200mg of Zoloft, which is supposed to suppress my sex drive, I still feel like sex represents my worthiness as a person.”

Don, 56, adds, “I now have the time to spend and to focus on more than just the physical parts of sex. Instead of fitting sex between interruptions of work and/or kids, the time to extend in preparing the setting, in enjoying foreplay and afterplay, and in exploring many more intimate sexual pleasures is finally available. Also, the sexual maturity of both partners multiplies satisfaction. For a man, knowing that although he is approaching the declining years of work productivity he is still `a man’ is mentally important.”

Tim says, “Aside from physical pleasure and the intimacy it brings with another person, I think [sex] is important to maintain one’s feeling of importance and viability. I don’t mean the ability to have control over someone, or to demonstrate power. But the ability to be with someone physically, and have it mean something to them. I think the same self-esteem issues which sex impacted at 18 are in play at 40.”

I think it’s fascinating that men have so much tied up emotionally with sex, when women are the ones who are usually perceived as being more emotionally involved with sex. I personally am more masculine, I suppose, in that for me there is a direct link between my sexuality and my femininity and attractiveness. For both sexes, this is certainly a self-esteem issue, in that we are basing our self-worth on an act, a physical situation outside of ourselves. True self-esteem comes from within, and, if strong, withstands everything from a weak erection to breaking up with a partner. I find I have more trouble perceiving myself as sexy as I age. I still feel sexual, but I don’t feel as sexy about my body. Gee, guess I need to get my happy ass into some counseling. I want to be like Samantha and Sara, just getting sexier and sexier as I age, instead of feeling less so.

Our mental state is absolutely the most important part of being sexual. The mind is terribly powerful. If we think we are sexy, we are. That sexuality radiates from us. If we worry about impotence, just worrying is enough to make it happen, a self-fulfilling prophecy. No, Nostradamus did not predict how you’ll do in the bedroom this Saturday night. He had more important fish to fry.

Women worry about their looks in this youth culture and their discomfort with their physical selves can get in the way of enjoying sex. Retirement, “empty nest syndrome” and other external factors can contribute to our psychological health. Many women who are less interested in sex may actually have a physical problem, rather than just an emotional one. We’ve got to learn to open up and talk to our doctors and therapists about these changes in our bodies and lives. The medical profession is here to help us, if only we can get up the courage to ask for it.

There’s lots people can do to maintain an active sex life. Foreplay becomes more important as we age, as both partners take longer to achieve arousal. Try different positions. Try having sex in the morning, when energy is at it’s highest. Masturbating is a good way to keep fit, sexually, physically, and emotionally. It’s one of my favorite forms of exercise. Keep those juices flowing!

Some older people have trouble finding a partner – women in particular, since women live longer than men. In 2000, women over age 65 outnumbered older men by 100 to 70. Find ways to meet new people, perhaps by taking a class in a subject you enjoy at a local community college, or senior center. There are also day trips and activities for seniors through county and city recreation programs.

The single most important thing anyone can do to have a healthy sex life is to have a healthy life in general. Eat right, exercise, drink lots of water, quit smoking, avoid alcohol and stress. Go see a puppet show once in a while. Make prank phone calls to your kids.

So how important is sex?

I asked my Slut Survey participants just how important sex is as we age. I know that for me, it’s very important, though my definitions of what sex actually is have changed. I’ve found that what’s most important to me isn’t intercourse, but the kissing, cuddling, caressing intimacy that comes with sex. Intercourse is great, don’t get me wrong – but it’s not even necessary for me to have a satisfying sexual experience. To give and receive pleasure, in whatever form that takes, is what’s most important to me at this stage in my life. I’m in it for the emotions, baby!

Karen notes that sex continues to be important for all ages, “even if mechanically difficult. My mother is 80 and still wishes to be sexually active; unfortunately, my stepfather does not. She finds this very frustrating, and I found myself in the position of helping my mother choose a vibrator several years ago.”

As we age, we begin looking at the “bigger picture” of our lives, and where sex fits in. “I think sex is no more or less important than it ever was,” says Ben, 55. “But as I sense the impending end of my life (70?) moving ever closer, I am motivated to start improving my love (and sex) life. I don’t want to look back on my life with as much regret as I currently have.”

Mark, 54, adds “I, like a number of men, have struggled with whether I am still sexy as I age. When I am connected to my inner being I feel extremely sexy, and it shows. I think as women age, they become more and more sexy. I have had sex with younger women, but it feels more like an act and not an experience.”

Indeed, it would seem that the experience of sex is what is most important to us as we age, not necessarily intercourse itself. Sex is healthy. Not just as good exercise, but stimulating for our minds and emotions. But we’ve got to use it, or we’ll lose it. We have pay as much attention to our sexual health as we do to all aspects of our bodies, physical and mental. As new problems brought on by aging arise, we must fight the urge to simply give up. I, for one, refuse to let aging ruin my sex life. Sex has brought me too much pleasure, physical and emotional, for me to sacrifice it so readily. Fight the good fight!

Sara writes: “I’m aware that the role of sex in my life may change, and I’m prepared to look at it as a good thing. If my partner and I become secure enough that we don’t need `athletic’ or orgasmic sex to feel close to one another, I’ll see that as progress. On the other hand, if we’re still sneaking off to fool around in our 70s, I’m okay with that, too. It’s all good, so long as we make up our minds to be happy.”

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